The Secret Diary of the Phantom x

A New Year

2012-01-02T19:32:00.003Z

So once again it has been a while since I have blogged and here we are in 2012! I'm currently at work on stand down because it's a public holiday. I have just had a pretty long Christmas break - all of Christmas off and Hogmanay - and have spent lots of time with my husband and son. It has been really hard work! Full time mummyhood is very hard work. But really good to spend time with them.

My resolutions? Well the usual really, eat less, move more, spend less, clean more, be a better mum and wife, work hard...

I consider myself to be a pretty lucky person - we finally managed to buy a house with a lot of help from family, I like my job and I have a great husband and son. These are the things that really matter...

Life goes on

2010-08-03T14:22:00.002Z

It's been a while since i've updated my diary, mainly because I haven't had any news to report really. I still don't.

I'm on a quest currently to pay off as much debt as possible before our lease expires at the end of June 2011. I would love to move from this house in to one i've bought, and we are doing everything we can to make it happen.

I've realised that miracles don't happen - you have to make your own luck. It's sad to think that the Debt Fairy will not visit and pay off my cards, but time to face reality I guess! Life is pretty dull as a result - no nights out, no treats to speak of. But when I finally have a home of my own, which I can paint, keep pets in and alter as I like it will be worth it.

Glasgow

2009-10-27T14:14:00.003Z

Until June last year I lived in Glasgow. It was once a place I really loved. When I was 17 I went down to see a concert and fell in love with the place. There were buskers on the streets, the sun was shining (yes really - it was July), they had BK and MacDonalds on every corner! You could get a train to a stop 2 miles away! And the shops! I loved it, and was determined to move there one day.

Not long after I got a place at College in Glasgow and it was happy days. I loved living in the halls of residence - my own little room where I could stay out as late as I liked. I made lots of friends, was out all the time, and enjoyed the pubs and the clubs and the shops because it was a whole new world. I never thought i'd leave. I was there for 5 years before circumstances (work) dictated I had to leave.

I spent the next 2 years trying to get back there. When I got back though some 2 years later (albeit to a town 10 miles outside), my life and my friends had all moved on and that pesky work thing got in the way. My love affair with Glasgow had begun to break down...

Years later, I moved back to Glasgow with my then boyfriend, to the West End which was an area i'd always loved because it was so vibrant and busy, so much to do, so easy to get places. For a couple of years it was fine. We walked in the Botanic Gardens, went out for food and drinks to Oran Mor and Bonhams and Di Maggios. We loved the novelty of taking a bottle of wine in to a film at the Grosvenor. We had our lovely wedding at One Devonshire Gardens. But after a couple of years of walking up and down 3 flights of stairs to a flat with no garden, and of being pretty poor the shine was definitely fading.

The final nail in the coffin was the arrival of my son. He was born in Glasgow. And I began to see things I had never seen before, never even thought of before. I didn't want him to grow up in an area where neds wearing Lacoste tracksuits and carrying knives were an everyday sight. I didn't want him to go to some great big inner city school. I wanted him to have what I had when I grew up. Grass to play on, the ability to walk down the street without fear, access to fields and trees and hills. Plus I was shopped out, pubbed out and clubbed out. I was over it. So we left, and returned (almost) to the area I grew up in.

I'll never regret our decision to move. Sometimes you have to step away from what you know to realise what you really need. I'll always remember my student days with fondness, but I wouldn't go back...

One week in...

2009-07-08T11:16:00.003Z

I'm one week in to healthier eating - i've banished the term diet. I am a little disappointed because I have only lost 1.5 Ib for my efforts! What is that equivalent to - a bag of sugar or something? I suppose when you put it like that it ain't bad! I mean if I lost a pound every week, in a year i'd be 52 Ib lighter.

I'm determined not to get despondent and just to keep on going. I haven't really missed chocolate too much. So sick of carrying all this weight and just want it gone.

Enough is Enough

2009-07-02T12:13:00.002Z

I have been fat forever. I was an overweight child - nothing major, but always a couple of stones more than I should have been. I became an overweight teenager, then adult. My weight has been a lifelong obsession and source of misery and angst.

All my life I have felt like a failure, and like i'm just not good enough. At school, nasty kids called me fatty, sumo, ethel (?), bessie bunter, that kind of thing. When I came home, my parents would reinforce the idea that my weight wasn't acceptable. My mother used to say "why don't you try to lose a little weight, why don't we go to weight watchers" etc etc. My dad used to say "you are just like a wee barrel" or "men never like fat women". I don't think they meant to be unkind but boy did that stick.

Years later, I am still the girl that wants to hide in the corner. I don't go out or try to meet people because I don't want to be on show. If I went out, i'd just look a mess so what's the point. I have hidden myself away in a job I am overqualified for, because i'm too scared to do something else where people might deride me. I can't really handle criticism of any kind.

I weighed myself this morning and I am 15 stone 5Ib at 5ft 1. I am disgusted with myself. How did I let myself become like this? My skin looks like crap, I feel really ill all the time, and so exhausted. I am 35 and my life is passing me by. Enough is enough.

No Justice

2009-05-22T15:01:00.002Z

Late last year, the papers were full of the story of a little boy abused and tortured to death by his own mother and her boyfriend. His mother ignored him, preferring to surf the net and watch tv rather than make her son comfortable by changing his nappy, feeding him, playing with him or giving him a cuddle. Her boyfriend liked to use the child as punchbag, pulling out his fingernails, allowing his dog to bite him, spinning him on a chair till he fell off, snapping his spine in half, and as final finale, punching him in the mouth so hard that his teeth were knocked out.

Today Baby P's "mother" was sentenced for her part in the death of her 17 month old son, along with her boyfriend. 5 years for her and 12 for him. There is no justice. These scumbags should be thrown in a big pit, tortured daily and left to die starving in their own excrement.

This case is so upsetting for anyone, regardless of whether they have children themselves or not. How could anyone inflict this sort of suffering on a beautiful little baby? My own little boy is now 14 months, not much younger than this poor wee boy was when he died. I love him so much. It is so sad that not every child is loved and cared for in the way they should be. And even sadder when very little is done to protect them.

Happy Birthday to yoooo yoo

2009-03-31T15:31:00.002Z

My baby son Euan is 1 today. It has come around so quickly!

His first year has been eventful to say the least - a dramatic entrance in to the world, in hospital at 2 weeks old, mummy having PND and being rubbish, moving house, daddy losing his job. Under different circumstances it would be a year to forget.

Since Euan came along nearly everything has changed. His daddy and I have had to make huge adjustments and deal with so much. But our wee boy is fabulous.

Happy Birthday wee man! We love you loads!

What a G(re)y Day

2009-01-14T15:47:00.003Z

We in the UK live in a gloomy grey world for much of the time. Our economy is stuffed, it rains a lot, it's cold a lot, and in the winter we get about 7 hours of daylight if we are lucky, with the sun hidden behind loads of grey clouds for much of that time. It's no wonder so many of us are so miserable.

It must be amazing to live somewhere like California where the sun always shines. No wonder they all have perfect white smiles and perfect bodies. If I lived somewhere like that where the weather is always good I might be inclined to smile a bit and exercise a bit myself.

For about 5 years I have felt the gloom descend at the end of September each year, and slowly lift around March. It only dawned on me recently that this also (just about) coincides with the end and beginning of British Summer Time. I think i'm SAD. You probably agree.

A couple of years ago I bought a lightbox, but it never really agreed with me as it gave me a headache - too bright. But i've discovered i'm a numpty and i've been doing it all wrong. You are meant to use it first thing when there is a bit of daylight, so that you don't have to do the blinking at the sun thing.

It's now parked firmly on my desk at work, so that I can use it as soon as I get here in the morning. I guess we'll see if it works. Meanwhile i'll keep dreaming of light nights, walking in the sunshine after work, and sitting in my garden reading a book. Come to think of it, that's also what i've been dreaming of most summers for the last few years....

First trip on the plane

2008-12-15T15:57:00.003Z

This weekend we went down to Leeds to visit Paul's family, and Euan had his first ever trip on the plane, a short hop from Aberdeen to Leeds/Bradford.

He was so good. On the journey down he had his bottle, then spent some time hitting the wall of the plane and batting his toy Jacques Le Peacock (he is a peacock and his name is Jacques). Everyone made such a fuss of him, as of course they should because my boy is rather beautiful ;-) - No bias here at all.

On the way back we set up camp in the airport while we waited - my coat as a playmat, and toys all over the floor. And once on board, he guzzled his milk and then promptly fell asleep and stayed asleep until we reached Aberdeen.

I am so proud of my beautiful boy.

Seeing someone else's new arrival

2008-11-28T15:05:00.004Z

A girl at work came in with her 3 day old newborn daughter yesterday. She was a lovely wee thing as all new babies are, but what struck me was how different her mum's reaction to having a newborn was to my experience, and it made me feel a bit sad. The little baby was 3 days old, and already mum was out and about with her in the pram, looking calm and relaxed and in control, happily chatting to the baby and obviously delighted with her.

My first thought when I was handed my baby son for the first time, 2 hours after he was born was "oh you are quite ugly aren't you?". And of course I knew it was wrong to think that but he just looked nothing like I expected, and felt like nothing to do with me at all. None of this instant bond and overjoyed happiness I had read about in that stupid "Ready Steady Baby" books they give you. As soon as I got home it became like some sort of nightmare for me. I felt so tired and drained, I was losing weight at a rate of a stone a week. Within 4 days of having him, I was wearing jeans that hadn't fit me in years because I had lost so much weight.

He was jaundiced and it felt like it was all my fault. From day 4 onwards I spent most of the day in tears, and most of the night awake. I would look at my tiny baby son and wish that someone could just make it all go away. I felt like I had made the biggest mistake of my life, and felt like the world's biggest failure because I wasn't supposed to feel like this. I had loads of home visits from midwives and health visitors and felt like they thought I was a risk, an incapable mother. I would look at my son in his cot, and think I know I should love you but I don't, you are nothing to do with me. Everyone was telling me how lovely he was, what a good baby, and I just couldn't feel it. I wanted to die.

I remember getting to 7pm at night, and saying to my husband how much I dreaded that time of night. I would look out of the window and see daylight, and people going about life as if the world hadn't changed, but it had! I was just no longer part of the real world, or so it felt. I used to dread that time because my baby would go to sleep, but I knew it was only a matter of time before he would wake again and i'd have to smell baby milk again which made me want to heave. I craved sleep but was too wound up to get it.

On the Friday after he was born, I ventured out with Euan for the first time. We went to a garden centre and had a cup of tea. I felt so panicked, and everything seemed so noisy. People were behaving normally - but I felt like I didn't belong there at all. People kept telling me how wonderful my son was. So if I couldn't feel it, I had to be the problem and the failure. I mean what mother doesn't love her son?? Only a rubbish mother who doesn't deserve to have a child.

Of course looking at this now it is clear to anyone with half a brain that I had really severe post natal depression. And for anyone who has never had this or any other type of depression it can be really hard to understand. My work colleague behaved like a new mum should. I couldn't.

It has been such a hard slog getting to where we are now. My son is 8 months old this weekend. I hate leaving him at nursery and feel terribly guilty for working while he is so young, yet another failure (or at least it is in my eyes). I don't feel like a good mum, but I love him so much. I can't believe that I didn't at one stage, and I can't believe that he appears to have forgiven me for failing him. It is hard work, but I love spending time with him, sitting playing with him, telling him stories and singing him songs. I love dressing him in cool clothes and love seeing him interact with people. But I will always feel so sad about the way things started.

The ever turning tide...

2008-10-10T13:45:00.003Z

It has been a couple of months since my last blog, but life has been very busy.

When Euan was born, it became quite difficult to continue with our life as it was. 3rd floor flats aren't very good when you have to lug a pram up and down the stairs. Paul was always away here there and everywhere and I knew nobody in Glasgow other than one rather flakey pal, so I was pretty much alone. We made the decision to move to the North East, so that I could be nearer my family and have a bit of support while Paul was away working. After all, Paul could do his job from anywhere, or so we thought.

We got a nice wee house in Aberdeen, we moved and the plan was that Paul would just keep doing his job and I would find a new one for when I returned from maternity leave. However, his employers were incensed that he had left Glasgow without their permission and the crux of it was that he was forced in to a position where they had to mutually agree to part company or he would be sacked. Just what we needed with a new baby and a new lease!

Anyway, I managed to get a full time University post again, and i've been back at work for 2 weeks while my son is in nursery full time. And my husband is looking for work, but meanwhile we are living on my wages and the settlement he received from his employers. It has been very hard to leave my son so soon, he is only 6 months old, but unfortunately we have no choice. But he is thriving at nursery. Already he is much more vocal, and his smiles when we drop him off in the morning and pick him at night are huge.

Despite all of the difficulties, I know we have done the right thing in moving. No more spinal injuries from carting baby paraphernalia up and down stairs. We live in a nice quiet safe area, where kids play outside. We have a garden where Euan can play when he is a little older. He sees the family all the time and is used to having crowds of adoring relatives around him. And Paul no longer has to travel here there and everywhere for a company that couldn't give two hoots about his health. That has to be worth something.

Our cats have been on an extended holiday at their Auntie's house while we have moved, and they finally come home tonight. We have missed them like mad and it will be great to have my family complete again.

Watching the olympics

2008-08-15T14:39:00.004Z

My four month old son Euan is a complete telly addict. Here he is glued to the tv, watching the track events.

A new arrival

2008-05-19T16:47:00.007Z

Well this is a little late, but I have been really busy!

I woke up at about 1:30 am on Saturday 29th March thinking that I could feel my waters break. I called the hospital who asked me to go in to triage in the morning, but when I got there they said that no my waters hadn't gone and told me to go home.

I thought different, so on Sunday afternoon it was back to triage and they said yes they had went - go home and ring once things kicked off a bit. By 9pm on Sunday 30th I was having contractions about every 7 mins, was using tens and co-codamol and by 10:30 was finding the pain unbearable. So we called the hospital again and off we went.

I arrived at hospital to be greeted by a lovely student midwife who helped me through to the department between clutching the wall with each contraction. After being examined I was found to be only 2 cm dilated but the pain was excrutiating and coming much more frequently. I was hooked up to a monitor to trace the baby's heart rate, but the pain was so bad that I couldn't lie on my back to allow them to do the trace, and I kept throwing up my dinner which didn't help either :-)

They asked if I wanted some morphine and I was like "oh God Yes!!!" but they wouldn't give me it until they had a proper trace of the baby's heart rate, which they were concerned about because it was quite low. After not very long at all they put me in a wheel chair and practically ran up to labour suite with me.

Once upstairs I got some gas and air (which tasted horrible and did very little). The baby's heart rate didn't seem to improve and apparently my lips were really blue. Within minutes the room started filling with midwives, then doctors, surgeons and anaesthetists and they explained that they were going to have to get the baby out asap, and got me to sign a consent form ( but I was so out of it I could have been signing anything). Next thing I knew I was wheeled through to theatre (mouthing to my husband that it would be ok). I was so frightened and I remember saying this to the midwife and apologising to everyone over and over for being a wuss.

Before I went in to labour I was terrified at the idea of having to have an epidural or a spinal block so my worst nightmare was about to come true, but it was surprisingly painless, and within seconds all of the labour pain was gone and all I could feel was a warm sensation in my legs. My husband was brought in to theatre in scrubs which amused me and they started the operation. I could feel absolutely nothing, not even tugging. My husband said to me after what felt like 3 mins look the baby is out and I was like "where?" I turned my head to see them working on a baby and I remember thinking "oh there's somebody's baby over there!".

After stitching I was wheeled through to recovery, shivering like mad (a side affect of the spinal i'm told) where another couple were with their newborn daughter and within 20 mins we were brought tea and toast which was like heaven :-) My son was born at 01:42 at 9Ib and we have named him Euan (because we like the name) Paul (after his daddy).

Officially F**cked off!!!

2008-02-26T17:24:00.004Z

A few weeks ago I had a wee meeting with my boss to let her know what my intentions were for returning to work. Well i'm on a fixed term contract which expires on 4th July, but i've always been told "oh don't worry about that it'll be renewed". We have a new head honcho here, and she has decided that the place is in such dire straits (*translation- mismanaged in to the ground by senior managerial idiots) that there must be a recruitment freeze. And this means that they are also not going to renew fixed term or temporary contracts.

Apparently each manager has to write a "why I need to keep this member of staff" essay to justify any contractural extensions, then Senior Management will have a meeting (probably somewhere like Gleneagles so that they can really mull it over and perfect their golf swing) before making a decision on who stays and who goes. So all of us poor plebs in this situation won't actually know our fate until around about 7th April when, let me check my diary, oh yes i'll be giving birth to my first child.

Picture the scene - 7th April. I've just had my baby. We are allowed to take him home. So I phone some of my family. Decide to check voicemails. "This is a message for Cheryl - just to say you are fired. Congratulations on the birth of your son btw."

F**ckers!!!

I am really really hacked off. Why have we become so Americanised in this Godawful country that people are nothing but commodities now. You can piss them around as much as you like, but God forbid if they ever take a sick day. I mean the disloyalty of it!!!

A happier day for once

2008-01-08T13:39:00.002Z

Well as everyone in the world knows I have hated being pregnant so far, but today I am feeling more positive about it for once. My blood pressure has been up for the last few weeks so I had to go get checked at the hospital today but everything seems to be fine.

When I got home from work last night my husband told me just to sit and rest for an hour or so, and I did and felt a ton better. It's not often I listen to him, but sometimes he is right :-)

I've cut out a lot of rubbish from my diet, and the heartburn is much improved, although I still have horrendous pain every time I walk/turn in bed/stand up/sit down. But my baby is proving to be quite a kicker, morning noon and night. When I have a bath, I can actually see my stomach move like something out of alien. I can even feel when he is having hiccups. All of that stuff is pretty cool.

The Gloom reappears

2007-12-18T15:47:00.001Z

For the last couple of weeks I have felt myself slowly but surely sinking in to my old black mood. I feel really rubbish that I feel like this, because really I should be happy just now. I'm newly married to someone I want to be married to, we have enough money to live on, and i'm 4 months away from becoming a mum. But I feel like there is absolutely no hope at all.

I feel like a complete social pariah. On Sunday I invited some friends round for food, but they decided they wanted to go out in town instead. I was asked. But the idea of sitting in a packed pub looking like a whale and sipping on diet coke just didn't appeal. All you read about is the joy of being pregnant, like it is just one big whirlwind of excitement.

For me it has been one of the most isolating experiences of my life. People don't treat you in the same way any more. Everyone has an opinion on what you should and shouldn't do. People think it is ok to call you huge. People don't see you as you any more and only talk to you about the baby. I mean why would I want to talk about anything like music or films or what was on telly last night when instead I can discuss childbirth or cravings. I want to step away from it all sometimes because it is getting to be too much but of course you can't.

It is very hard, because I don't really have anyone to talk to about it. When people ask how you are and you respond negatively you get a patronizing smile like "ah yes I KNOW" when there's no way one human can possibly know exactly how another feels. I am surrounded at work by other women who are having babies who walk around stroking their stomachs and smiling serenely and I hate them with every inch of my being. I hate them for me because they are so smug and knowing, and I hate them for people like my sister for whom they make life so much harder.

I am not cut out for this.

It's a boy!

2007-11-26T12:10:00.002Z

On Saturday I went for my 20 week detailed scan and took my husband and parents along for the laugh. The NHS in Glasgow is bankrupt basically, so here you only get one scan at 12 weeks and that is your lot. We decided to pay to have a 20 week scan done, particularly as we were given odds of 1 in 84 that the baby would be born with Down's Syndrome.

It was brilliant to see how much the baby has grown in only 7 weeks, and to see it so much more active than last time. It was kicking its legs and flailing its arms, and lying with its back to us again. I was asked to go out for 5 minutes and run up and down the stairs, jump up and down, all in an effort to persuade the baby to turn towards us. Surprisingly it worked, and we found out that we going to have a wee boy in April. That was a very big surprise as I really really expected it to be a wee girl, and had even started picking out nice dresses and thinking about all the things I might do with my daughter :-)

My husband is well chuffed and looking forward to taking his son to the football and getting to play with boy toys like scalextric and transformers again. My dad was all emotional and said he had rain in his eyes. From what we can see all looks well - i'm now dated as due on 12th April - and the baby looks to be the right size with everything where it should be. So now only 20 weeks till pain and agony and then he'll be here!

Married

2007-11-23T15:20:00.000Z

Well I haven't posted for a while as things have been busy busy busy.

On Friday 9th November we finally got married, and after all the stress it turned out to be a pretty good day. We both stayed calm the whole morning before, neither of us burst in to tears or helpless laughter as we took our vows, the weather stayed reasonably good for November and we both had a really happy day with our family and friends.

We are both back to reality now and back at work. I didn't think i'd feel too different given that we've been together for 7.5 years and living together for 7 of those, but i'm feeling very happy and excited just now for the first time in a long long time.

So for those of you who haven't yet found your other half, in the words of Selma Bouvier Tewilliger Hutz "may you drive safe and find true love".

Hee hee hee

2007-10-19T12:32:00.000Z

Just had to blog this amazing pic of Donatella Versace and Iggy Pop... don't do drugs kids!!!

Why oh why oh why???

2007-10-19T11:19:00.001Z

One of the most perplexing things I have been asked since I became pregnant is "oh - but what will you do with your cats?".

When I took my two cats home, I wanted to give them a home with us for the rest of their lives. In my book it's just not on to go back on a deal, and that was the deal I made with myself and with Sorcha and Salem.

In many people's eyes, my cats are the enemy. They have claws and therefore will scratch, they use a litter tray in the house and are therefore "dirty", they get jealous and therefore will strike out. But the thing people don't realise is how much they add to your life that just wasn't there before, and how they become such an important part of your family that you can't imagine life without them.

I love it that my cats come through and meoow at me in the morning to say hello. It is great to come home from work to be meowed at by two hungry cats who proceed to run through to the kitchen where the food is kept the moment you step in the door. They are an endless source of entertainment, frustration, company and comfort. They are going nowhere as long as i'm alive to take care of them.

When we have a newborn baby in the house, we are all going to have to adjust to this new intruder in our home. We will need eyes on the back of our head to ensure that the cats curiosity doesn't allow them to do anything to harm the baby, or to start using the cot as a cosy sleeping place. But surely if we are willing to take on this sort of responsibility, then we should be left to get on with it?

A glimpse from the underbelly

2007-10-09T13:43:00.002Z

I had my first antenatal appointment today at the hospital, and my first scan. My partner came along with me, and it seems a bit unreal but I think spent much of the 5 -10 mins smiling stupidly while watching the screen. I've no idea what my partner was doing, but probably much the same. It's probably very common, but because I hadn't actually seen something and I can't yet feel anything (other than ill) I was not 100% convinced that I was actually pregnant. But there it was in black and white - my very sleepy tiny baby, with legs, arms, body and head all present and correct.

At first the baby hardly moved (sleeping), although the sonographer said that it had when she first started (at that stage I was feeling like Rachel in Friends and thinking "I can't see it"). She asked me to cough, then to wiggle my hips, then to lift my behind off the couch and then quickly back down. That seemed to work - I saw a tiny baby move its arms as if it was shaking its fists at us for waking it, and little legs kicking. We saw a tiny heart beating, and the top of the baby's head, and then movement of the head - probably sticking its tongue out at us at the injustice of being scanned in an NHS hospital and not the Portland :-) We have three fairly clear images, and I can't stop looking at them. To be honest I have felt a little tearful all day.

Next stop was the nasty bit - I had 4 vials of blood taken which is never fun and of course as usual I felt like I was going to pass out, but after an hour or so of feeling trippy, a very welcome bacon and egg mcmuffin and a cup of tea I felt loads better. Back in 2 weeks for more bloods and then I don't go to the hospital again until week 40.

Now I just hope that everything keeps going well, and I can't wait to meet my son or daughter. Meanwhile I have a stack of books to read :-)

Busy Busy

2007-09-20T13:04:00.001Z

It's been a busy old week down the mine. Our students came back this week so it has been a tough old week of answering questions, form filling, directing, mopping up tears :-) We have a long weekend coming up and I sooo can't wait to get away from the door for a couple of days.

I'm off home for a couple of days - should be quite a busy one. I'm going to try and fit in to my wedding dress again with my brand new 11 week and one day old bump, and then look for something for my mother to wear. If it doesn't fit I will cry.

The clock is ticking... oh so slowly...

2007-09-10T15:16:00.002Z

Well I am now 9 weeks and 2 days pregnant, and so far it has been a bit of a rollercoaster. I am the world's worst person to be in this position because I am very impatient and hate waiting for anything. Only 9 weeks?! What do you mean I have another 30weeks of this???

I am hell to live with just now. I am a snappy, moody nightmare. I pity my partner. To make matters worse I have just realised that this means I have to grow up and I really don't want to! I like being 33 and able to please myself. I like it that we can go and see our nephew and then hand him back. Isn't that terrible??? I'm sure i'll like my baby fine when he or she arrives but I think s/he and I are going to have to have a stern chat and agree on some ground rules. For example:

No waking up at night - mummy likes her sleep
No waking up early in the morning - see above
No finishing a bottle, sicking it up all over me then grinning
No being a brat - mummy can't be bothered with that sort of cr@p

That'll do for a start...

I have my first midwife appointment and scan on 9th October, so I will get to have a look at her or him then and give her the once over. If s/he doesn't look calm, chilled and lovely I am sending them back and asking for a refund.

What do you mean I can't???

The Curse of the Mummy

2007-08-23T12:23:00.001Z

Well I am now 7 weeks and 1 day pregnant, and I feel like $hit. Anyone who says that pregnancy is magical is a sodding liar.

Here are just some of the lovely bits:

All of my bras hurt - a lot. But as the boys have inflated to Pamela Anderson proportions I can't not wear one.
I wake up every morning with cramp in my stomach - it lasts all day until, ooh when I wake up the next morning.
Food makes me want to barf.
I can smell things so much more clearly - so on a sunny day in Glasgow just breathe in that smog and cigarette smoke. Oh and this makes me feel sick too.
My underwear is getting too tight
I get more headaches but can't take my usual superstength pain killers
My shoes get tight as the day goes on
I feel hot even when it is 20 below outside
I want to cry
I want to scream
I am very, very grumpy
I am soooo tired
I read a story about a woman who pulled off her boyfriend's delicate bits and thought that was a justifiable action

Timmy or Tabitha better be a Cambridge Don to make up for all this....

Bleeeurgh...

2007-08-17T14:26:00.001Z

Well I went to see my GP this morning to let him know that I am "with child". I have been in complete shock for the last week. On Wednesday I did another test just to be sure (using another brand) and it was positive too so it seemed like the next thing to do.

I was told I am roughly 6 weeks pregnant, which means I will be due around 11th April 2008. I had my weight and blood pressure checked, and was told I could expect to gain anything up to 4 stone - oh just great! I have elected to go to Yorkhill for my midwife appointments etc and I guess to have it too. At least it is nice and handy if Paul is away! Then I got given some bumpf and was told to come back around 17th September for a check up.

So far feeling ok, just so bloody tired - I could sleep for Scotland. I am at work right now and just want to put my head down on the desk and doze off.

Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes....

2007-08-13T11:52:00.001Z

Well I got offered the job but over the weekend something pretty huge and life altering happened so i'm not taking the job after all. I found out I am pregnant.

Paul and I have been cacking ourselves all weekend, thinking oh $hit! oh $hit. I am a baby, I can't have a baby!!! The worst was that I handed in my notice on Friday to take this new job, but of course if I took it I would get very little maternity pay so i've spent today frantically whisking letters out of in trays and retracting my resignation tout de suite. So at GCAL I am and at GCAL I remain for now!

Looks like there is a bumpy road ahead, and not just the one under my jumper. We will probably have to move house, we are getting married in November and i'll be 4 months - no booze for me!! But at the base of it all I am really excited if terrified and just a big bit tearful.

My poor son or daughter - they will have Paul and I as parents!!!

Stormy Weather

2007-08-06T10:44:00.001Z

It's been some weeks since my last post, and things have become quite troubled, particularly at work. In my job, there exists what I refer to as my own personal "axis of evil" (thanks George W.) - my manager, my assistant manager and one member of staff in the academic team. The latter is just the biggest beeeotch I have ever had the misfortune to come across in my life. When I say that I hope she gets obliterated I feel no guilt or shame at all. I wish her a long, painful demise because she really does deserve it. I don't think it's wrong to wish pain on the truely evil.

Lately her favourite way of passing the time has been to check up on my work relentlessly and pick pick pick. And when she contacts me to pick pick pick she copies my manager in to it too. The upshot is that life becomes unbearable when every time you use your initiative you have to give a 7 day long verbal report in order to justify your actions. When every minute of every day your work is scruitinized and you have to justify your very being. She is a big C word. And I never use that word about anyone, but somehow the usual words just don't suffice.

I have decided to jump ship as it isn't worth the hassle. I have an interview on Wednesday, so I guess we will see if it is meant to be....

Down down down down

2007-07-05T15:39:00.000Z

I'm at work today and really struggling with my head. I feel so down today, so much so that I feel sick to my stomach. I want to go home, lie down and shut my eyes, sleep till I feel well again.

I can't remember when I last felt happy and well. Everyone at work today has been happy and upbeat, but I can't seem to bring myself to join in. So i've d0ne what I always do and sat in the corner, keeping schtum, feeling unbearably sad because i'm unable to behave normally.

I hate the person I have become as an adult. I often feel like if I wasn't here it really wouldn't matter. I'm so irrelevant, and so insignificant. I could just fade away...

Racing for Life

2007-06-11T09:14:00.001Z

Yesterday I took part in the Race for Life at Bellahouston Park in Glasgow. I have to admit I was not keen to do it, it's a week before I do the MoonWalk in Edinburgh and the day after my final exam for the ITEC diploma in Holistic Massage. Anyway the girls at work talked me in to it so I signed up, I received my number through the post and there was no going back!

It was a warm but overcast day, lots of hanging around waiting to get started, but when we hit the start line I found all this energy I didn't even know I had and I flew round it (not literally, I only walked). I completed in around 52 minutes and I was well chuffed. I'm back to work again today and the rest of the girls who did it are all chuffed too - we are all as high as kites and it is a great atmosphere to work in.

Yesterday was really a great event - it was amazing to see thousands and thousands of women all having a go, and each with their own story to tell. It was so moving to read the signs on everyones backs saying who they were racing for - children, parents, grandparents, friends. It seems that everyone knows someone who has been affected by this horrible disease. Some even took part for themselves, even during chemo and I have no idea how they found the energy but somehow they did.

I took part in memory of my grandad Jack Bishop, who died of cancer in 1970 before I was even born. I never met my grandad, but I would have loved to have known him, and it makes me feel sad that I never met someone who everyone seemed to have loved so much. He was only 50 when he died, but maybe it'll be less common in the future for kids to never know their grandparents, and for people to die so young because of events like this. I loved taking part - it felt like the first time I have ever done anything to mark my grandad's life and i'll be there again next year.

Beefcake! Beefcaaaaake!

2007-05-02T14:07:00.001Z

Well 2 weeks ago I joined Curves and it is actually quite fun. The workout takes around 30 minutes and then you are done.

I'm hoping for miracles....

Fat. Fat. Fatty Fatty Fat Fat....

2007-04-16T12:57:00.000Z

I weighed myself this morning. After a decent start to the year I have been off the wagon for about the last month and a half and now my hips are telling the tale. I am now back up to a whopping 14st 8Ib. Time for action.

I hate being fat. It runs my life. I don't go out because people stare and I hate it. If i'm in a group situation I just want to run away. I don't feel interesting enough, well dressed enough, smart enough, or attractive at all. At the core of my being is the feeling that I just don't cut it, I am just not good enough. I will never be acceptable to myself until I no longer wobble as I walk.

I'm going to see a new gym tomorrow night called Curves which has opened near us. It's that or walk up the aisle to the sound of "here comes the bride 60 inches wide" coming from inside my head. That thought really depresses me.

Taking the piste....

2007-03-21T16:11:00.000Z

I'm off ski-ing tonight at X-Scape, our local snowdome. When I was a child, my parents forked out for me to spend two separate weeks ski-ing in the Scottish Highlands, and I loved it. Unfortunately, it has always been one of these sports deemed only for those with lots of cash so neither of my parents ski. Until 2 weeks ago I hadn't skied for 22 years.

I've always wanted to go again, so a couple of weeks ago I took a "ski in a day" course, and amazingly found that it is like riding a bike - once your body knows how to do it you never forget. So since my lessons i've had an additional morning on the slopes, and i'm off again today to slide down a hill on two bits of wood.

It is the most amazing buzz, but there is something a bit flat about ski-ing down a 500m indoor slope. One of the things I remember from being a kid was ski-ing down the slope at speed, taking maybe 10 minutes for some longer slopes, and breathing in the fresh mountain air. You can't do that in a snowdome! I'd love to get ski-ing outside again. I am lucky because I live in Scotland and there are lots of ski areas here, but global warming is making the snow less of a certainty.

I just wish it wasn't so expensive, and didn't still have this snobbery attached to it. Ski-ing is so much fun that everyone should experience it at least once in their lives, regardless of whether their budget is chanel skis, or george at asda salopettes. It shouldn't matter. I think many are put off by the St Moritz image.

I'm determined to keep going anyway regardless even if only once a month. See you on the slopes...

Back to life, back to reality....

2007-03-19T15:40:00.000Z

As a famous late 80s band once sang...

It's been a while since I posted, as you can see from my last entry I have been in a bit of a state. A few days after writing I went to my Psychiatrist again and afterwards just had a major slump. I've been off work for nearly 4 weeks and have just returned today, feeling rested and much stronger.

My appointment at the breast clinic went great, nothing to worry about. I didn't realise how wound up about it all I was until I had been and suddenly I could sleep at night again, something I usually have no problems with at all! It was a very scary experience and i'm just so grateful that for me there was nothing to worry about, as I know many others are not so fortunate.

While I was off I had lots of time to think and rest and sleep. I did some nice things - got my hair done, went for reflexology, learned to ski, had coffee in the West End. It felt good to take some time out and I am back today feeling much more calm and much more detatched from my job - I don't want it to be so important that I get stressed and ill again. I am trying to remind myself that I don't suck, it's just my job that does. Progress for a girl that wants to vomit every time she looks in the mirror.

Feeling (not so) groovy

2007-02-05T16:42:00.000Z

About a week ago I was sat at home watching tv, when I had an itch on my left breast. As I reached to scratch it, I noticed a funny lump on the left side which definitely wasn't there before.

On Friday I went to my GP and I expected her to laugh sardonically, say "there is nothing there now get out my sight and don't waste my time". But she didn't. She agreed that she could feel something and put her hand on the lump exactly where I had found it a week earlier. "Don't worry" she said "I have felt many breasts over my years as a doctor and that doesn't feel like anything sinister, it's possibly a cyst or a fribroadenosis". She referred me to the breast clinic for an ultrasound, and told me I should get an appointment within 4 weeks.

I felt strangely calm and almost elated as I came out of the surgery - yes she believed me there really was something there. I called my folks and said don't worry it'll be fine i'm ok lalalala.

Now i'm not so ok. I know all this stuff about me being under 35, nobody in my family with breast cancer, only 1 in 10 lumps in women being cancerous etc, but it doesn't stop you worrying deep within yourself - what if you are the 1 in 10? What would I do? How would I cope?

Everything else i've ever worried about seems so trivial just now. I just want to cry and cry, and wait for it all to be over.

What a waste

2007-01-29T15:41:00.000Z

Last night I watched United 93 on DVD. I was unsure if I would actually watch this film at all, along with World Trade Center, as I remember September 11th so clearly and felt so strongly affected by it all. In some ways I thought it was too soon to start retelling the events of that day in film - it's still like movie footage in my mind anyway.

People of my parents generation say that they can remember exactly where they were and what they were doing when Kennedy was shot, and I think September 11th is like that for everyone of my generation, and indeed anyone old enough to remember the day. I was at work on September 11th 2001 - it was our open day, and I remember my sister calling me to tell me to "get to a tv set NOW". This wasn't possible so I said "what's up?" She said "a plane has crashed in to the Twin Towers" - I said "Petronas?" And she said "no, New York". I replied - "The World Trade Centre???". It was unbelievable. My colleagues and I shared whatever information we had, and the huge numbers at our open day rapidly dispersed which was unheard of. Everyone had lost interest - we just wanted to get to a tv set and confirm with our eyes the news that everyone was telling us. It seemed like a horror movie.

When I got home that night I saw it for myself, and couldn't believe what I was seeing. I was filled with such horror, and fear. I knew that the world had somehow changed permanently that day, that things would never be the same again. I stayed glued to CNN and any other snippet of news I could find for the next week. I was so so sad, so sorry for everyone who had experienced loss as the result of this terrible day, and so angry that this had been allowed to happen. I will never forget that time as long as I live.

United 93 was surprisingly well done. It is like sitting down to watch a disaster movie, but this time you know that there won't be an ex-military trained pilot/secret service guy on board to save the day. You already know how it ends, but you hope and pray despite yourself that they can bring about a different ending. I am so full of admiration for the people on board that plane that day. A lot has been made of them being American heroes, putting their country before themselves. I'm not sure that is true, but I do think they were incredibly brave. In my opinion they were everyday people doing what we all do some days of our lives - we have holidays to get to, meetings to go to and we step on the plane and never for one second think we won't get off again at the other end. They were faced with a choice - they knew that if they did nothing, they would die. They were aware of the fall of the World Trade Center, and of the crash at the Pentagon. They knew there was a strong possibility they were next. So they either sat there and accepted that fate, or tried to do something to fight back. That is what they chose to do, and that must have taken so much courage. It is exactly how I would like to think things went for them - that at least they died with a tiny piece of control over their own destiny.

It made me feel so sad also for the young men recruited as hijackers - the film depicted these young men, their minds filled with someone's twisted interpretation of the Koran, really scared, but really firmly believing that in carrying out their actions they were carrying out Allah's will. That to me is incredibly sad. Islam is a peaceful religion, and I can't accept that any God would advocate the killing of innocents in His name. It is just such a waste.

I have no solution - 6 years on we are no closer to a solution than we were in 2001, and many more men and women have died in that period. When are we as a race going to see reason and stop this madness which is solving nothing.

The endless pursuit of comfort

2007-01-22T13:10:00.000Z

I like nice things. If I was the happiest, most contented person in the world I would still like nice things. When I say nice things I don't mean designer clothes, or flash cars or anything silly like that. I mean things like nice bath products, the odd massage here and there, getting my hair done - basically lots of girly things that would have been of no interest at all to me 10 years ago.

When i'm down, I crave nice things even more, in the mistaken belief that they will bring me comfort. Feeling tearful after a bad day at work? Best go to Boots and get some nice bubble bath - a lovely warm bath filled with a cascade of bubbles will sort me out. Feeling fat and ugly? Let's go to Lush and buy a Hot Milk bubble bar - it smells just like hot milk, and feels like a warm hug. Feeling completely miserable? Let's go to the vending machine and get a bar of chocolate - that'll fix everything.

Except it doesn't - all it means is that I have at least 6 drawers full of make-up, bath and pampering products which will take me all year and then some to use. I love every one of them but it is like an addiction. I'm still taking anti-depressants with mixed results, i'm still 5 stone overweight, I still have to pay the bills every month. It is futile really.

I'm trying to find new ways to comfort myself. I love the feeling of going home and hibernating - warm comfy pyjamas or tracksuit, heating on, cups of tea. The only issue is that once me and my sofa are reunited at the end of the day I get very little done. For the last few weeks i've dumped the majority of junk in my diet (except the lovely chocolate cake that I got for my 33rd birthday on Saturday!) and have eaten very little between meals, except the odd bit of fruit or a soya dessert. I've generally felt a lot better for it.

I still need comfort all the time though - I felt exhausted and hardly able to keep my eyes open this morning, so at lunchtime bought Bach's Olive flower remedy which claims to aleviate tiredness and make you feel better. I certainly feel £5.00 lighter.

Happy New Year

2007-01-04T10:27:00.000Z

It has been a while since i've posted in the old blog, but there really hasn't been much to report. I went to Leeds for Christmas and Elgin for New Year and both were pretty uneventful. I'm back to work today and can't quite believe it is all over already!

Moving out of the gloom

2006-11-14T11:52:00.000Z

It's been three weeks since my dose of antidepressants was increased to 150mg a day, and i'm gradually beginning to notice a difference. I feel much calmer, i'm actually managing to organise myself and get things done at work, and my outlook is generally much brighter. Which is nice.

I'm seeing a Psychiatrist for the first time ever in 2 weeks - I expect he will have a German accent and make my lie on a black couch and talk about my childhood. Then again, maybe not. Will be an interesting experience anyway. I'm hoping they put me up to the maximum dose of 200mg a day for a wee while, because i'm still getting the old anxiety from time to time and that feels rubbish.

Hopefully one day I won't need them at all.

Booked my Wedding

2006-11-13T15:25:00.000Z

I took a couple of days off last week to use up holiday and to book my wedding. So we are now booked up for 9th November 2007 - hopefully it'll actually happen this time!

So now it's full steam ahead with the planning - very exciting.

A new arrival

2006-10-25T09:10:00.000Z

My partner became an Uncle today. Simon Andrew Marshall was born around 3:40 this morning weighing in at 8Ib 3oz. He is the image of his granny from what I can see so far (and his mum come to that). I like this picture of him shaking his dad's hand - he doesn't look too happy about having to give up his nice quiet dark space to come out in to a big bright strip lit world. This is the only picture we've seen so far, but his Uncle is going down to Leeds this weekend anyway with orders to take hundreds of photos. Welcome to the world wee man.

Procrastination is the thief of time

2006-10-13T14:19:00.000Z

I am really lazy by nature. My favourite things in the world all involve moving very little and relaxing as much as possible - sleeping, reading, eating. All my idea of heaven.

I started my new course last Saturday and despite the "first day at school" nerves, and having to make small talk with strangers, and initial reservations about the trippy hippy speech made by the Principal ("we are all the same - we want to love each other, love the world, eat an organic vegan diet...."), when we started the practical session in the afternoon things suddenly made sense, and I was reminded of why I wanted to do this course so much. The downside is that it is going to be a lot of work, and a lot of going back to my school days of Biology lessons, without having to know about floral reproduction.

I started studying on Tuesday night, but for the rest of the week i've been so knackered by the time I get home that I can't seem to get motivated to do anything else after work, but sit on the computer and browse the internet or watch tv until very late at night, then go to bed, get up for work, exhausted all day... and so it goes on.

Inspirational Story

2006-10-05T11:49:00.000Z

From the few postings i've made on my blog already you've probably realised that I can be a bit of a miserable person at times, and can feel pretty sorry for myself.

I was reading an article the other day by a guy from southern England who was superfit, loved sports and worked as a police officer. On a day off he decided to go for a ride in the woods on his mountain bike and enjoy the nice weather. Next thing he knew he'd fallen off his bike, and sustained spinal injuries. He's now tetraplegic and has to use a wheelchair to get around. Does he feel sorry for himself - well to start with, a little. But as the years have passed he has come to accept his injury, and this is what I found so inspiring - he says that this is not how he would have chosen his life to turn out, but it has turned out this way and so all he can do is make it as good as he can from where he is now, rather than dwelling on what he can't change.

I haven't had anything as awful as this happen to me in my life (touch wood), yet somehow I forget that just because life hasn't turned out the way I hoped that I can still make it as good as I can, if I just learn to stop dwelling on what should have been, what might have been. I'm going to work on this from now on.

Walking the black dog...

2006-09-27T10:56:00.000Z

I went to the see my GP this morning, because I haven't been feeling at my best lately and have been gradually slipping in to the old anxiety/depression/feeling utterly worthless cycle.

For the last three years I have sat in endless doctor's surgeries, watching as they sit back in their chairs and ponder on what useless drug they are going to give me next, because there isn't anything else they can do. You get the impression that they see hundreds of people just like me, who they are equally powerless to help in any concrete way. The drugs in themselves dull the feelings, but the issues that caused the illness still remain unresolved and that is the sad thing - in the UK there is such a poor mental health provision unless you are a) psychotic or b) very wealthy.

I am being referred to a Psychologist or Psychiatrist but have been told there is a waiting list of about 9 months - that's ok, at least i'm being referred at last. It is so frustrating to feel like this, and to not be able to find the escape hatch out of your own head, thoughts and feelings, especially when you have no clue why they are there in the first place.

My cat is sick

2006-09-26T16:28:00.000Z

I've just returned to work after a long weekend, and its been an interesting one because my cat Salem (who is a sturdy boy who eats anything) has been sick. He's had an upset stomach all weekend, and the only solution seems to be to fast him, then give him small morsels to eat, and to clean him in the shower when it all gets a bit messy. I think he hates us now.

It's horrible when your pets are sick - I spent yesterday afternoon feeding him water with a dropper in a effort to get him to drink. I felt just like a mummy...

Amazing Picture

2006-09-21T10:37:00.000Z

I saw this amazing picture of the Northern Lights on BBC News today - it's by Max Pickering who is shortlisted for their Photographer of the Year 2006 at http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/5348588.stm - vote today, he really deserves to win!

Update 26/09/06 - He won!

Welcome

2006-09-21T10:13:00.000Z

Hello and welcome to my Blog. Well I guess I should start by telling you something about me.

I'm 32, and I live in Glasgow with my fiancee (hate that word - so from now on i'll use "partner") and two cats, Sorcha and Salem. I'm originally from the North East of Scotland, my partner is from Yorkshire, but we've lived in Glasgow for the past 3 years.

I work as an Administrator in a University - it isn't exactly what I dreamed of when I was at school, but somehow things have worked out that way. My job is fine, but as with any place which is chock full of overachievers, it does make you wonder what you've done with your life, and eventually it wears you down. I never really knew what I wanted to do when I left school, so I went and did the generic Business degree thing, which was very useful as I worked my way through McDonalds, and various other "high flying" shop jobs and office jobs :-) Strangely i've never had to prepare a Porter's 5 forces analysis once in my working life but I just know i'm bound to get asked one day soon, so it really was worthwhile.

Over the last few years i've been suffering from depression, and through this i've come to really love holistic therapies so I have decided to train as a Holistic Therapist and change careers completely - or at least get one to start with! I'm starting an ITEC course in Therapeutic Massage in October 2006, and hope to go on to do Aromatherapy, Reiki, Indian Head Massage, Reflexology and anything else that takes my fancy.

So that's all about me! My Blog will be my space to rant, talk about stuff I love, talk about my unremarkable life with my partner and 2 cats, my new course, my depression, and my quest to save cash and eliminate debt from my life! Enjoy!